We are constantly pulled in different directions at the hands of self-proclaimed dating gurus who broadcast their advice on podcasts and Tik Tok lives, telling us that you should go “no contact”, you should text him “for the plot”, and you should hit up his favorite NBA player. With all of this conflicting advice, it is only natural to wonder what you should actually do.
Many of us have spent countless drunken nights asking our friends, “Should I reach out to him?” We keep asking until we hear the answer we want, regardless of whether we were the ones who walked away, were ghosted, or something else entirely. Even if we don’t get the answer we want, we do it anyway. So here is your permission–send that text.
As a side note, this advice does not apply to situations involving abuse. If someone poses a threat to your well-being, please do not reach out to them. This guidance is intended for interactions of the fun and flirty nature!
That said, sometimes you do have to beat the dead horse. We can find ourselves ruminating over unresolved issues, particularly when we feel we didn't get proper closure. While the concept of "closure" is debatable, the lingering what ifs can become a constant distraction. These thoughts can be as annoying as a nagging nat in your ear, reminding you of what could have been even if the answer is nothing at all. When these thoughts become overwhelming to the point of preventing you from moving on, it might be a good time to consider reaching out to your ex.
Whatever you decide to text is up to your discretion. Just know, after you send that text, will they apologize for everything, profess their undying love, and commit to you until the end of their days? Maybe, but it’s highly unlikely. Typically, things play out in a few ways. If it was a hookup, you might end up hooking up again, either for just that night or for many more nights, only to return to the same place you were before. If it was a relationship, they might be open to a conversation that could lead to reconciliation or a clear breakup, but you could still end up in the same spot you were before. And sometimes, they might not respond at all.
So why encourage this behavior if it only leads to an embarrassing outcome? In short, to get you to move the fuck on! While shame can be a powerful and sometimes dangerous emotion, shifting your perspective on it can turn it into a tool for changing unhealthy behaviors. Looking back at the messages I’ve sent to men from my past, I can’t help but cringe. Yet, those moments were essential in helping me understand that those relationships were not meant for me. Each text was a step toward recognizing what I truly need and deserve. Now, as I navigate future relationships, I no longer feel compelled to reach out once I know my needs won’t be met. Those past experiences have taught me to trust my instincts without second-guessing or dwelling on what wasn’t right for me.
We place far too much pressure on ourselves to act “correctly” in the pursuit of romantic connection. It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to give people second chances (or third or fourth–whatever you need to get the message). It’s okay to be vulnerable. But, it’s important to not get stuck in these patterns in the long run. Remember to live a little!
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